Part 36 - 6 Films To Watch Before You Turn 20, On The Blog's One Year Anniversary
A check-back in where I discuss my absence from the blog, turning 20 and the films I watched to honour this, all on the one year anniversary of my film journey.
14th April 2023 - the day I discovered my life’s purpose. I often recall that spring and subsequent summer, which bled together like a novel’s pages. Life’s train swept me up, morphing me and twisting me into a creature of growth. I decided, I wept, I cheered, I laughed, I leant, I folded, I learnt, I loved. I seemed to live-out a coming-of-age movie, all to the echoing tunes of 80s synth hits. If I reminisce too hard, I can plant my feet right back in that passed plot of time. I remember prowling the streets, practically feeling the Earth blush with every step I took; once prodded, the creativity within me poured forth with little resistance. Everything whipped around me in a sun-ripened rush and I could barely catch my breath. It was exhilarating but necessary.
For months, I had been pushed (and was pushing myself) into spaces that didn’t quite fit. Studies, people, work - all of their edges rubbed against mine. And suddenly, with that first press of Substack’s ‘publish’ button, there was a click. I felt the dryness of sweat on my fingertips and an electric hum in my chest - the welcoming of untapped potential. I have recently realised that the movies are owed a lot of credit for who I’ve become. I mean, they triggered a metamorphosis so powerful that, looking back, I cannot recognise the girl I was. And I don’t resent her either. In fact, I celebrate her. She took a risk, doing something she had never tried before. And boy, oh boy did it pay off.
I have always been unsettled by the most minutest of changes. Even at the air’s changing scent at the approach of a season. I’m not kidding, either. So, the sheer volume of pathways that arose for me last year practically uprooted me. I took on a role at the Picturehouse, I ended my long-term relationship, I was scouted to be a model, I developed feelings for someone new, I dyed my hair, I began another relationship. All of these events circled around me, but you know what gave me the power to navigate them all? Our journey together, here. And, throughout our journey, I rediscovered passion. I rediscovered hope. I rediscovered life. I rediscovered love. And I have never been the same since.
To put it simply, cinema helped me to recapture a voice once lost. I would take my place, my labelled place, before the silver screen. I would watch characters like Donnie Darko, Frank N Furter, Klara Novak, George Bailey and I would drink from them. They made me realise that my life’s power didn’t lay in another’s words, another’s schedule, or another’s expectations. They raised my 19-year-old self’s chin in celebration, and I would let them. Sure, tears fell on dark, confused nights but I could always return to my North Star - the glistening poetry that I owed to these characters.
You may have noticed my recent hiatus across the beginning of February to the end of March. Please know that I never stopped thinking about our time together. I was practically itching to tell you all that I watched, all that I wished to analyse. I had to hold it close, had to let it whir around my brain and infuse into my palms. And they were restless. However, they soon found their place amongst a pyramid of work. The Film Magazine asked me for another article, I was approached for a review of the short film, The Interpreter and I have another Fresh Takes review coming out soon as well. My career suddenly seemed to inflate and glow a sunrise’s hues. I have gotten to share the sweet fruits of my labour with myself and others.
I don’t often relish in the warm, heavy glow of progress. Maybe it’s because its freshness always fades too fast for me. But, it is fair to say that I have definitely worked my arse off and I am proud of it. This even extends to the wrangling of my own personal life, which is similarly draining but equally gratifying. However, all of this work was not without the joys of play. My boyfriend and I had our first date where the bubblegum tones of Barbie serenaded us. Although greatly underwhelmed by its treacly faux-feminism, we had a wonderful time together, both sporting our pink outfits. Our further inductions into each other’s families include my boyfriend’s watches of the animated Barbie films and a list of Cary Grant films, given to me by his mum.
So, as I sit down to write this, another great change has befallen me. I turned 20 several days ago and its stain hasn't quite washed off. Usually, I am only slightly perturbed by my changing age; I will usually wear it for a day or so until it washes out. I spent weeks dreading this day. As I recently explained to my boyfriend, being teenaged feels like a shield; when you’re in your adolescence, nobody blames you for the misgivings and the misdirection. Films have always told me that, when you’re 20, you need to start figuring out the hard stuff. What you want to be, who you want to love, where you want to live, who you should choose to be. And that is terrifying. You cannot hide behind the guise of, ‘I’m just a kid, I didn’t know any better’ any longer.
I know how silly this may sound and I know you may be thinking to yourself, ‘Bella, you’re only 20, stop acting as if you’ve hit 50.’ It’s not that I don’t appreciate my youth. But tell me you don’t wish to hold that younger part of you that you scarcely even recall. I digress - I was anticipating this change and I was in desperate need of a way to channel it. So, what did I do, you ask? Well, I bought a ticket to the movies. 6 tickets, to be exact. I reached out to 5 people in my life and asked them for the perfect film to watch before you turn 20 (plus an addition of my own). So, as the unspoken spirits of time gather around us, let me share the final list with you:
The 6 movies I watched before turning 20 and how they helped me accept my age:
Wonder Boys - Edward Lovelace’s Choice
Wonder Boys (2000), directed by Curtis Hanson, follows the life of English Professor Grady Tripp (played by Michael Douglas). As he works through his divorce, he is met with mountainous news: Sara (Frances McDormand), who he is having an affair with, is pregnant. Unsure of his next move, he also begins to get more and more involved in the life of his student, James (Tobey Maguire). Tripp realises James’ potential as a writer but he also becomes aware of how troubled he is. Taking him under his wing proves difficult as Tripp is also attempting to finish a novel. His pushy and sexually ambiguous editor, Terry (Robert Downey Jr) adds extra pressure to his incomplete life’s work.
It was a privilege to open this mini experience with a recommendation from my former interviewee, Edward. He actually gave me a list of 5 films but my time could only accommodate the one. The turn of the month was fast approaching, from March’s uncertainty to April’s endeavour; change was running her fingers through my hair. I was looking to this film to set the scene; I searched every corner of its sage ends to find some guidance, some worldly truths to adopt. And what I found scratched that itch.
Brimming with warmth and hints of yuletide, Wonder Boys felt like a hot chocolate. What I was unprepared for was its depth. In this misguided student/parental teacher dynamic, there was real heartache. Instead of troubled boy, knowing man, we are given troubled boy, troubled man; we see that the universality of human suffering is overturned by our need for passion. In retrospect, this film greatly reminded me of my dad. It’s not necessarily a film I associate with him, but more who he is. He has always been the figure in my life to deliver a movie-monologue. As champion of the phrase ‘you’ll be grand,’ he has always been unafraid to preach of life’s realities. And, I was grateful for a reminder of these tough, yet fundamental discussions; it was a film that simply said, ‘in spite of it all, this is what human beings survive on, by getting on with it.’
Quote that struck me:
‘Why did you keep writing this book if you didn’t even know what it was about?’
‘I couldn’t stop’
Petite Maman - My Choice
Petite Maman (2021), directed by Celine Sciamma, is a short film that commences in the throes of bereavement. Eight year old Nelly (played by Josephine Sanz) has just lost her grandmother and she has returned to her mother’s childhood home to clean it. Her mother (Nina Meurisse) is quietly tormented with grief and leaves Nelly with her father (Stephane Varupenne) to finish the tidying. However, as Nelly ventures into the nearby forest, she discovers a girl building a den. She goes back to the girl’s house and is startled at what she finds: the other girl, Marion (Gabrielle Sanz) is the eight year old version of her mother.
A watch that was never planned for this post, Sciamma’s short film caught me off guard. It was late March and I was craving nostalgia. I was craving it like a child craves an ice lolly’s summery shimmer. I spend a lot of my time thinking about my past, as a result of therapy. I have been encouraged to find any way I can to process our work; therefore, I naturally gravitated myself to works surrounding the inner child. Swaddled in a cradle of autumn leaves and swirling soup, I found her, the younger me. She sat beside me, tiny fingers reaching for mine, choppy hair framing inexperienced youth. And, as I left my cinema room at the film’s end, I saw my first butterfly of the year.
There is always a bond of trust, formed between film and viewer. A viewer must trust that the narrative will take them somewhere, the film must deliver. Sciamma’s short film is a framed petal, a dated matchbox, a speck of dust; it is slow, languid and quiet. But, when we trust it, it reveals its secret to us - our inner child is never exempt from who we are. As trees and buildings started to tower around me at my oncoming age, this film steadied me. It took me by the hand, to remind me that our past is our locket, bound to our ever-beating chests. It held me like an adult, it soothed me like a child. It told me that there will be people in your lives who peel back the rings of age and they will see that little you. And we should let them. They are the people we should love.
Quote that struck me:
‘Did you want to have me?’
‘Yes’
‘I’m not surprised. Because I’m already thinking of you.’
Good Will Hunting - Naim’s Choice
Good Will Hunting (1997), directed by Gus Van Sant, stars Matt Damon as Will Hunting, a janitor at Harvard. However, he isn’t just a janitor; he possess an expansive intellect, especially in mathematics. After solving a complex theorem, he gains the attention of Professor Gerald Lambeau (played by Stellan Skasgård). However, Lambeau’s road to making Will a student has one main difficulty - Will’s emotional issues. Often seen causing brawls with his friends, Will ends up in court, to be sent to jail. Lambeau intervenes with the promise of an education but with one catch, that he must attend therapy. After Will torments each therapist he is given, Lambeau chases one final option, his old college roommate Sean Maguire (Robin Williams). He agrees to take Will on and soon discovers just how troubled the boy is.
One of my good friends Naim gave me several choices too. From the range of The Iron Giant to The Dark Knight, my eye fell somewhere in the middle. Good Will Hunting is one of those films that I credit with getting me into film. I watched it many years ago, after my first dealing with Covid and I was eager for a rewatch. The day that I watched it spearheaded an intensely difficult weekend for me. I was required to take something of a leap of faith, and to prove myself to those around me. And so, Van Sant’s picture met me like a mentor and it empowered me like a firework.
There were times where I felt Robin Williams’ Sean address me directly. My own experiences in my life have taught me enough to know that words have power. And I can tell you that as a writer too. But, to sit there, and to hear him say ‘You’ll have bad times, but it’ll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren’t paying attention to’ really got to me. It so gently burrowed into me that all I could do was gather fear in my hands and stare at it. I could feel the spring’s breeze and the electric buzz of the unknown. I met it, head on and I let it rest its brow on my chest. That truly is the power of cinema. Because I went onto smash that weekend, to prove what I can achieve. And, I owe so much of that to a therapy session with Sean and Will.
Quote that struck me:
‘You’re always afraid to take the first step because all you see is every negative thing ten miles down the road. But, you can do anything you want, you are bound by nothing.’
West Side Story - Grandad’s Choice
West Side Story (1961), directed by Jerome Robbins and Robert Wise, spins out to a modern twist on Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. Deep in the heart of 1950s Manhattan resides two rival gangs: The Jets and The Sharks. The Jets, a Polish-American group, are aiming to keep the Sharks, Puerto-Rican migrants, off their turf. However, this is all thrown into chaos by the discovery of forbidden love. Former Jet Tony (played by Richard Beymer) falls deeply in love with Maria (Natalie Wood), the sister of the Shark’s leader.
There is a lovely duality within my Grandad - one part of him is all war films, horse racing and football. The other, a gentle passion for music. Calling him up to talk films was a lovely experience that we had never really shared before. I got to hear him talk about the first time he watched Seven Samurai, just after he had turned 20 and just before he married my Nan. But, when mentioning I had never seen the original West Side Story, his disbelief made me intent on watching it. I knew his music tastes were very particular so this truly had to possess some magic.
Much like my viewing of Rocky Horror, West Side Story sent sparks of life shivering through me. There were times where my whole body erupted into goosebumps, a rhythmic samba beating against my skin. The slow descent into dancerly heaven gave me a beaming smile. Each and every emotion crescendos to attain a big, brassy bash - the love of Tony and Maria, the antagonistic relationship of the Jets and the Sharks, the flourish of the multicoloured skirts, the despair of the brawls. But, in the film’s outrageousness hisses a universal truth: they’re just kids, they don’t know any better. When their approaching future calls their name, they combat it with bare fists and infantile outbursts. As the adults around them attempt to civilise them, cool them off, they stand tall as a symbol of adolescent innocence.
Quote that struck me:
‘When do you kids stop? You make this world lousy!’
‘We didn't make it, Doc.’
Thelma & Louise - Anna’s Choice
Thelma & Louise (1991), directed by Ridley Scott, is a female buddy movie that boasts a rollercoaster of a narrative. Waitress Louise (played by Susan Sarandon) is trying to get her best friend Thelma (Geena Davis) to take a holiday with her. Both have issues with their respective partners and decide to hit the road together. After stopping at a bar for drinks and a dance, jeopardy ensues. After Thelma is almost raped, Louise shoots the offender. They are suddenly forced to go on the run, which triggers a number of issues. After a run in with the suave J.D. (Brad Pitt), their money is stolen. Soon after, their oblivious attempts at fun are soon soured as the FBI gets on their case.
This was a recommendation from a fellow critic, Anna Smith. I find it very inspirational, to see just how far freelance writers can make it. When I mentioned this list to my mum, she was particularly eager to revisit this film with me. Just before we put it on, she told me that the first time she watched, she was my age. It was then that I realised that I wasn’t just watching a film; I was living out a cyclical moment. Suddenly, I was just a 19 year old girl on the eve of her 20th birthday. Suddenly, all I wanted was to meet my mum the day before she turned 20. So, clearly it was naive of me to assume that the pre-birthday-existential-crisis stopped there.
Watching this with someone else, when you are at completely different stages in life, was extremely thought-provoking. Sure, you can look at this film as just a ‘female buddy movie.’ But, if you look closer, you see a sun-stained, open-road ode to womanhood. It is a unique reminder that the female experience isn’t all tragedy, grace and repression - because, in spite of an attempted rape, these women remain carefree. They continue to chase fun and they continue to let the wind race through their hair. In the faces of slobbish and unfeeling men, they choose the wide open planes of the unknown. It is testament to one of the strongest alliances ever forged - the untouchable vow between a girl and her best friend.
Quote that struck me:
‘Something’s, like, crossed over in me and I can’t go back.’
A Matter Of Life and Death - Dad’s choice
A Matter Of Life and Death (1946), directed by Emeric Pressburger and Michael Powell, is rooted in deep post-war overtones. It opens with RAF pilot Peter Carter (played by David Niven) talking to radio operator June (Kim Hunter), before jumping from his burning plane. When he awakes, he meets June once more and the two fall in love. Their peace fails to last as Peter is visited by Conductor 71 (Marius Goring), informing him that an error was made and he must be taken to The Other World. After explaining that he is in love, Peter makes the decision to appeal his case.
My dad always has a knowing air about him when he knows he’s recommended something like this. He knows it’s going to be an experience and so, he remains quiet. I had never actually heard him mention this film to me before; we are always talking about films so this surprised me. I was perhaps the most excited to see his choice as my dad is a very wise man. He’s one of those people who has a deep conversation ready to hand, like loose change rattling deep in a pocket. So, I knew his pick was the perfect way to see off my 19 year old self.
I have to be honest, this took me several attempts to see through. After deciding that overtired nights were not for heavily philosophical plots, an earlier time was decided. And, suddenly, the twilight I was lost in, cleared. A Matter Of Life and Death was made in the hopes of reconciling relations, relations that had been barricaded off and bombed. However, A Matter Of Life and Death shines in its celebrations of life and love. Watching this with my boyfriend strengthened this message for me; it gave me the space to cradle our love tightly to my chest. It preaches of life over death, love over hate, feeling over logic and the ineffable resilience of the human spirit. For yes, we are but small, dwindling marbles, running and tripping from place to place. But, in spite of all we do not know, we know this: warmth, intimacy, reunion and joy - these are the things we continue to run and trip towards.
Quote that struck me:
‘Love rules the court, the camp, the grove, and men below, and saints above; For Love is heaven, and heaven is Love.’
So, as I draw this post to a close, I would like to thank you, my reader. I truly cannot believe a year has befallen us. I often revisit my past reviews, to slide back into the skin of its former writer. She truly was someone new every single time, and her words have changed with mine. It is interesting to see how rough around the edges she used to be; unrestrained by structure and motivated by the seedlings of finding her feet. Much like the changing seasons, I have gathered the leaves she dropped to hang them anew. But, even as this transformation took hold, you have remained here. You have observed it all and I’m sure, if you also look back, you will find a different person staring at you. Make sure you are holding them close, too.
I truly hope you have gained something from my findings. Each of these films represent something we all must cling too: wisdom, the past, vulnerability, joy, friendship and love. I try to live by these things, not as if they were guidelines but as if they were ornamental rings. I can adorn my fingers with them, and they will glisten against my skin with their binding promise. It makes turning 20 much simpler, this way. It is a tale as old as time, sealed to the wrinkles of our skin - time will march ahead and us, with it. There is no other version of this tale. However, it is what we do with this time that is so vital. I believe we must always chase that thing deep inside of us, that thing that hums when you pick up a pen or a camera or a needle and thread.
So, to finally conclude, I wish to leave you with two songs. One I enjoyed in the summer I started this blog, the other is from now. And to quote Anaïs Ninn: ‘I know what my crime is: what human beings only dream, I acted out. I obeyed the dream.’
BellaWatchesFilms
So much love, sweat, and tears put into this - the grasp you have on the medium as well as the way you articulate how you relate these pieces to yourself truly is beautiful. The quote from Wonder Boys has always struck me, as well. I do hope someday to be able to voice my appraisals as thoughtfully as you do, as I find writing a fantastic medium for recording thoughts and emotions for myself.
Looking forward to more!
Lovely Bella